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Sunday, September 10th, 2006
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i just want you all to know that i really love my dog chance.
thats not him but it is a cute mouse i caught in my house.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, September 8th, 2006
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so, im looking on craigslist for a vaccum since my dog sheds an insane amount of gray fur and im tired of looking at it and i have three vaccums that dont fucking work.
i click on link after link, checking out the eurekas and the dirt devils until i come across a MUST SELL!!! link.
those are the best, an outright cry that they are desperate for money and are willing to sell, cheap.
but behind this particular link, lies a backstory as to why this vaccum must be sold.
i felt that it should be shared with all my LJ friends.
Why must I sell?
The story of the Bachelor Party gone totally wrong…
So it’s April 8th, 2006. We are approximately one month away from my wedding day. It’s bachelor party time, and I am in Austin, TX. Several friends had come in town for the day’s festivities. My best man had already planned the day and it was a surprise to me. He had planned a day of paintballing, drinking, and of course the obligatory strip club(s).
12pm Noon.
Everyone arrives at the best man’s house to gather for the trip to the paintball venue. Once we arrive, and about a case of beer later, we begin to sign in for paintball. The instructor is going over the rules and mentions when you get hit you are out and walk to the side with your hands above your head. “Even if you get hit the balls” he said, “Put your hands up and run off the course.” These words would be the quote of the day.
1pm.
We are ready to begin our first game of paintball. We split up into teams and the game begins. At first we are all hiding behind our respective base walls, then we begin our offensive strike. I move to the right of the field to flank as the rest of the team readies for the main attack. I’m about a quarter the way across the field when I notice the opposing team had started their offensive on the left side of the field, seeing that my team were sitting ducks I began to fire. We are now about 20 seconds into the match. I’m firing my first shots as they miss and go un noticed. Then second round of shots grazes a opponent and I’m spotted. I begin to run towards their base in an attempt to gain cover. As I’m running one of the enemies leaps over a barricade and begins to unload from 20ft away. I manage to miss the first few shots in my frantic run, but being 6’2” and 200lbs, I knew I was a large target. Then it happened!
~ 1:05pm
I was hit on the upper thigh, but damn it felt like it hit my package. I begin to run off the field with hands held high until I make five steps. I fall to the ground. I’m in horrible pain. This can’t be just the paintball welt hurting this bad. It hit my thigh right? I manage to get my feet under me as the course ref is yelling at me to get off the course. I mange to get about 3 steps out of the firing range and I collapse. I can’t move I’m in such horrible pain. I feel my head begin to float and begin to think I’m going to pass out. At this point one of my friends, recently pegged in the game is now exiting the field and sees me on the ground. He helps me to my feet and as others approach they help carry me to a bench. At this point I’m in tears. The pain is unbelievable. I’ve never felt such pain in my life. I’ve been kicked in the nuts my fair share of times, but nothing like this. I unzip my pants so I can feel out the situation and I think it is at this moment I go into 100% sheer shock. My testicles are the size of a cantelope. Swelling beyond belief. I thought I had to be wrong, so went to the side of a shack where I could examine the extent of the injury. It was true, my nuts were huge. Grapefruit sized nuts in hand I nearly pass out again, but am helped to the bench again.
`1:15pm.
Roughly ten minutes has gone by since the assault on my boys began. I have now tried to calm down and relax with a cigarette and beer. The instructors told me to just ice it and it would be fine. I feared not. I called my step-father who is a doctor and explained to him the situation. “Get to the emergency room! Now!” So now we’re off. My long time friend Matt takes me to the nearest hospital 15 minutes away. Once we arrive I’m wheeled in on a wheelchair because at this point the swelling has become such that I can barely walk.
2:15pm.
I’m admitted to the E.R. and I wait to be seen by a doctor. They need to perform a sonogram, or ultrasound, to determine the extent of the injury. After about 20 minutes of waiting the tech is ready to begin the procedure. At this point I have taken advil at the paintball range and that is it. No real painkillers for the worst pain in my life and now I have to get examined. Let’s just say as the tech used the sonogram I almost kicked him in the face about 4 times. I was biting down on a towel and my arm at times to subdue the screams of pain. Towards the end of the procedure the anesthesiologist finds me in the procedure room and says she’s been looking for me for the past 30 minutes. The tech doing the sonogram then looks at me and says “Oh my god, I didn’t realize you weren’t on anything!” I said “yeah, that’s why I almost took off your face with my bare hands.” Once back into the E.R. I am hooked up to an I.V. for my dose of painkillers. A large dose of Delotted begins to hit my bloodstream and I’m relieved of some of the pain. Delotted, I found out later, is what is typically given to patients who have lost a limb in accidents, pretty powerful stuff.
3:00 pm.
The doctor reviews my sonogram and tells me the good news. The testicle is fine. Good blood flow and all. Whew! Out of the woods for a major loss of one of my boys for the time being. I am told to see a urologist once I get back to my hometown (at the time it was Dallas, TX) to discuss treatment. I am released from the E.R. and given a prescription for painkillers and antibiotics. At this point the swelling is still the same. I still have a cantelope in my pants.
5:00pm
I arrive at a friends house after getting all the meds and everyone is there waiting to hear about the hospital visit. They all laugh and have a good time looking back on the incident and tell me how fun it was to stay and play paintball while I lay in the E.R. in excruciating pain. I love these guys! They proceed to party around me as I lay on the couch in a semi conscious state. And eventually even go to the strip club without me, the bachelor. Oh, you forgot it was my bachelor party?! They didn’t!
The aftermath
I see a specialist and the verdict is that the swelling will continue to go down over the next few months and the pain with it. “Few months!? I’m getting married in 3 weeks!” I said. After missing work for a week, I’m able to return but cannot drive as my legs won’t close enough to use the peddles of my manual transmission Jeep. Needless to say, I had to go through my wedding while on hydrocodone, and not to mention going on my honey moon with a now grapefruit size testicles.
Now:
After 4 months of “healing” I still have a 9.2cm x 4.5cm hematoma in my testicles. A hematoma is basically just a large blood clot. It’s like a ball filled with old blood. Obviously the ‘it’s just gonna go away’ technique we tried isn’t exactly working. And the worst part is, I thought I had been getting better! But it wasn’t, I was simply getting used to the fact that I had the biggest balls on the planet. That scares me. So what to do now? Surgery, to remove the hematoma. But I’m still paying off my E.R. bills from the first set of procedures. Thus is why I am selling several of my personal belongings, to fund the surgery to remove this gross deformity and to relieve me of constant pain and discomfort. The first months of my marriage have been soiled enough by this and I hope to move past this quickly.
do you think if i buy the vaccum he will show me his testicle?
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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summer is almost over....summer session II can kiss it. with the exception of my astronomy lab assistants who provided me with countless minutes of the nerdiest form of human interaction/entertainment EVER. between ex goth girls, other girls who wear berets and balding guys who wear hawaian button ups and slap other guys when they mess with their telescopes it was like the 9th grade band hall all over again. i played clarinet if you were curious.
i found out i definitly can graduate in december, providing i get an internship....so if anyone can help me out with that...let me know! please ill take anything! ill write about dogs or cigars or diapers or whatever i dont care. i need to get back into this thing i call my major.
i will write more later. just know that i am really happy with the exception of my current financial situation. oh and the fact that my friends didnt call me to drink $.99 pitchers at atticus tonight. jerks!
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
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so, ive been in the northwest for 6 days now. Things here have been quite interesting, mostly due to my amazing travel partner, lauren.
May 17th
Lauren woke me up at 430 am, quite gently i might add, to prepare for our 7 am flight. I packed my final things and lauren shaun and i headed for the airport. Outside our terminal an old lady with two dogs stood, wrestling to maneuver the dogs with her immense amount of luggage, only to have her dogs escape from their collars and run down the sidewalk. It was quite humorous watchiing this overdressed old lady chase her dogs at 6 am.
We boarded our flight, and no one would switch seats so me and lauren could sit together. Alas, i was stuck next to a lady who needed an extender belt and a hispanic man who was readiing a spanish book and kept underlining words in red pen. Extender belt lady would not stop commenting on how things were 'interesting,' like how she had never ridden over the wing of a plane before. WOW. im intrigued.
I slept the entire way, only to be woken up by a stewardes with turkey egg breakfast sandwiches and an offer over the intercom to win a bunch of bonus miles on the airline with jimmy hendrix on its tail.
We landed in seattle to be picked up by kimya and her husband ang. they took us to breakfast at this tiny cafe where the lady would not let me take one sip of coffee before she 'topped off' my glass. my eggs had this weird red spice on it, but it was good. we also ate freezer jam on our toast. they then took us to seattle center, where the space needle is. we didn't ride, too costly. everything around was pretty much void, the carnival was closed, the only people around were silly AZN's.
Somehow, we miraculously turned a corner and found a childrens festival, whose posters were covered with pictures of john lithgow? behind the posters and an ikea booth for kids, we found a giant fountain below sea level, with hundreds of kids playing in it.
It was the type of fountain that sprayed water like a theatrical production, with music and everything. Kids were screaming and soaking wet, and lauren and i decided to join in. we raced in to touch the dome shaped fountain before the water came shooting out from all angles. we froze our asses off and ended up watching the rest of the kids, including a kid with a superman shirt and a homeade towel cape, and a little rockabilly girl with her greaser dad.
after the fountain we went to the beach, where they had a slide shaped like a salmon (its saLmon not samon) and you entered through the mouth and exited through the ass. Mike picked us up at a record store, and took us to olympia and his lakehouse with bambi shower curtains and fishing lure wallpaper. we ate spagetti, they smoked pot and i watched, and i retired for another funfilled day.
May 18th
Woke up at 5 am to catch the amtrak train, arrived to the station at 630 am, and the doors had yet to be opened. Mike felt guilty for leaving us there in the cold so he took us to the gas station for coffee and powerade before he really had to leave us for his 9 to 5 gig.
we sat in one of those 3 sided glass bus stops until they opened up the train station (two hours later) to where we met patrick, the autistic janitor, who wore a helmet with harley davidson stickers and wore a shirt that was given to him march 17, 1984 by a lady named mary, yes mary.
the train took off rather quickly, and i ate a bagel and lauren had another breakfast sandwich. she was really into those during our trip. we sat next to ladies who talked about praying over their son's misshapen head and slept some more.
ian picked us up from the train station and took us home. the night was rather uneventful, we ate sandwiches and had a few drinks with his friends at this bar called my father's place. met friends ryan (bad hair but charismatic), amanda, and diego (quiet guy with glow in the dark skeleton gloves). i found out how heavy handed portland bartenders are and went home a little more drunk then i had planned. i think there might have been some spooning with lauren that night
May 19th
Friday we slept a little later then normal and decided to head out shopping. Hit up a goodwill with some hot shit in it, got myself a hat, some shoes, and a dress. then we headed to hawthorne district, where homeless people tried to get ian to give them his converse, by promising that he would actually wear them.
i met ians friend kyle, who works at a hair salon but says 'i have no desire to touch people for a living.' so he just stays behind the desk and asnwers phones. COOL.
anyways, we bought some more cool shit and headed home for a little more rest and to prepare for the nights events.
the night started at rafaels, this bar with a light up dance floor and a semi decent DJ. no one was there, apparently they only show up for some dance party called 'fuck'. the bartender had no change and got really irritated with me. whatever.
Left rafaels due to the abundance of lezzies and headed to chances (the bar
not my dog), where diego's (skeleton gloves) brother frank dj'd and katie the bartender gave me a really big shot of whiskey.
at bar closing time, which is 2:30 am round these parts, we headed to ryan's place where he lives with 2 of his 9 siblings. (he's not even mormon!) i passed out on a bed, and lauren got stuck watching anime by herself. apparently when they woke me up i claimed i had been dreaming and now my dreams were coming alive. passed out.
May 20th
saturday was lauren and i's chance to explore on our own. we decided to take the bus downtown and was given wrong advice at our first bus stop by a humpback old man eating a burrito.
luckily we ran into another crazy who gave us correct directions, along with his life story of how women come out of the woodwork when he acquires inheritance money and how he is staying at his multimillionare friends house. he didnt have enough money for bus fare and he got kicked off. i felt kind of bad but lauren didnt because he was weird. this is how i learned she is a secret bitch.
we overheard guys on the bus talking about how lucritive selling $1 joints is, and then we got off to get totally lost downtown. Not until we met jeremy, the guy at the kitchen store did he equip us with an exceptional map and good directions to get us on our way. we gave him our myspace, but he never messaged us. boo.
we did the shops, ate asian food-i wanted bento boxes but it was too late for them so we just ate regular asian food in non-boxes instead.
outside of powells bookstore we saw a huge pile of kid bikes all locked up together. not until later did we find out they are used by these people called 'ZooBombers' who get really drunk, then bike up the hill outside of powells and go flying down without using any brakes. then they lock up the bikes and wait until next week to do it again.
as the day came to a close we headed back to the bus station to go home. we must have just missed our bus because it took another 50 minutes for it to come back. lauren and i acquired a serious case of the giggles, and saw a black man in a white suit pulling rubber chickens on a crate and wearing a mickey mouse hat. he looked so sad but mickey looked so happy.
we also saw the fattest lady ever riding on a rascal being followed by the largest great dane ever that had tumors on its legs.
we met a guy at our stop who was really bitter about panhandlers and had a wry comment to make about pretty much everything. we came home, got ready and headed to my father's place again for some drinks. but i got kicked out because my ID was bent. that bitch.
May 21st
Yesterday was a pretty uneventful day. Lauren got ready to go home, we walked into town and ate at cha cha cha's drank a margarita and did some crossword puzzles. We pretty much suck at crossword puzzles. We got home watched a little tv, caught up on internet shit and then headed out to limelight, a local restaurant/bar and drank for a few hours, reminisced about our childhoods and came home.
i got to see battle royale kinda drunk. what the hell is that movie about?
That's pretty much my trip at this point. i know its fucking long, and if you read up to this point, damn, you truly are my friend. i miss some, definitly not all of you. im going to ohio soon, ill see you on june 3rd.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, February 13th, 2006
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is it wrong to tell your best friend since high school that you dont want him to join the marines because you know he's going to die?
hes just so damn good. good people always die. and he leaves tomorrow.
maybe if i told him i was in love with him he would have stayed?
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Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, February 5th, 2006
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this is for patrick because he is a lame ass that takes the time to have LJ remind me i havent updated in '7 weeks'
last night i was in san marcus, wrestled a guy with two different colored eyes and he put me in a half nelson and gaqve me rugburn, i drank half a 60 dollar bottle of whiskey and passed out in the crevice of a couch.
happy now?
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, December 16th, 2005
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i made xmas presents for my family-here's a sample.
im leaving tonight for ohio/florida. i hope everyone has a lovely christmas and travels safely and with little incident.
today i learned that maybe i shouldnt be so hesitant to change. damn my taurean nature.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
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something give me the strength to not care so much about what other people think/say about me.
and make me stop doing it to others.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, October 6th, 2005
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today is a fucking great day to be awake early.
i walked home from my international relations test, ready to start my school year, because it is now officially fall.
In my own world, school has not even started until today-all the summer heat melted and warped my mind into thinking it was still ok to go to the bars on a tuesday night.
So, from now on, if you need me, I'll be catching up on readings, doing my homework and generally being an excellent student.
I really wish we had a change of seasons here.
It would be so much nicer to watch the leaves shuffle across the streets if they were of richer colors then decaying browns.
My suggestion to you for today: Watch a garbage truck pick up a dumpster and empty it. It put a huge smile on my face today.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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i cant stop listening to this song
john wayne gacy jr. by sufjan stevens.
i first heard it in ashlie's mini cooper when i was extremely intoxicated, and thought that it almost made me cry just because i was drunk and overemotional, but no, it makes me want to cry every time i hear it.
i went through this phase a while back where i was really interested in serial killers, reading their stories on courtv.com and whatnot.
but that was back when i actually cared about something, now it just seems like my entire life is numbness, making the motions, or ignoring everything because i just dont care enough to care.
certain things make me feel a certain way, like this song, or certain people, but all of that fades with time and repetitiveness and comfort. it becomes less effective or less interesting. its like in high school i was obsessed with incubus, and certain songs they sang meant so much to me, but now i hear them and its meaningless. i cant even remember what it was that affected me so much just a few years back.
i keep thinking that god, or church or something is what i need, so i try to go to church and i try to pray and think about god and being spiritual, but it just doesnt come. church makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, and praying seems so selfish, like im only asking for things because i want them or i fear god and i fear going to hell. thats not love, fear is not love. true, there is a necessary element of fear in your relationship with god, but that shouldnt be all it is about. but i think that is what it is for most everyone.
im ready for something great to happen to me. but its not going to come if i keep skipping classes, skipping my life.
i dont care about being in love anymore, or having a boyfriend, having to choose between two very different men. one a father, the other a vagrant.
its consumed me, i think only because i thought my life needed some element of importance, like i was important enough to be given the right to choose between two men who want me.
but neither of them really want me, so i better move on and do what i gotta do for me without all these stupid distractions like boys and my weight and making sure i get drunk on thursday nights and go to all the parties because if i dont go then i just disappear. im tired of having to force everyone to remember im here.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
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You may have some bad news to deliver to someone close to you, but you'll do it with a becoming grace. Things will improve.
FUCK
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, April 9th, 2005
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why are the obnoxious, bad toothed, persistently ignorant types always attracted to me?
this guy(though not a bad-toothed one) sent me this myspace message this weekend....
You know Lindsay,
I'd really like to mess around with you. I don't want a girlfriend and if i did I might be barking up the wrong tree with you. You don't seem like the type to be "tied down" (maybe not figuratively) anyway... I'm really attractred to you, you're a good looking gal, and if you're past the point of playing games...we should go out sometime...
******
gag me.
so i said...
******,
grow up.
lindsay
to which he replied...
Is this divorce?????
******
and i said....
its called being tacky....tactless....
you nailed it on the head.
for someone who doesn't want a girlfriend you are pretty persistent with the ladies. give it a rest, maybe it will come to you easier next time.
lindsay
so yeah. i dont know why i felt compelled to share this, but i did. make it a lesson to you boys....that this is not attractive.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, February 17th, 2005
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Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
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Saturday, September 11th, 2004
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| Time: | 10:13 pm. |
| Mood: |  blank. |
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since im sure you were all worried, i'm still here. i just dont have anything to say, ya know, because im a mindless woman.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 28th, 2004
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party tonight. at the brothel
come on over and bring the kiddies
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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every goddamn time....i swear to god.
i meet someone, who genuinely likes me back, and as soon as i truly feel committment ready....someone has to shake my level ground,
im like that asshole in the bible who builds a house on sand, thinking it will hold, and as soon as the tide rolls in it fucks shit up.
im so tired of getting toyed with, and going through so much bullshit and pretending to be ok with it, and then as soon as i really feel ok....they decide that now is the time to hand over to me exactly what they withheld from me that caused so many problems.
im really a simple person....and he makes me feel so stupid, for being so smart...but then sometimes i think his intelligence is really ignorance, and his unwillingness to accept reality and all the boring aspects of it.
he lives in this ultimately romantic world, where you do what you want and say what you want, whenever you want
you can get away with anything in his world, because in it you are supposed to embrace your feelings and abandon your real life. and when you return....it doesnt matter, because you were true to yourself.
but he never returns....he stays there and waits to suck people in with his wit and charm.
he never has to face what happens to us, out here....he refuses to, and people accept that for the way he is....
if i fucking end up with chris....there is something wrong with me.
but i am so tired of that. and i refuse to make excuses for anyone who doesn't have the courage to face the damage they make.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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ummmm shit
what do i do.
i dont know how to
handle situations likes this.
goddamn im giddy
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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heynutty's journal
